Anxiety is something that affects most – it varies in degrees of severity, but it’s that niggly emotion that tends to creep in there and make things a little more of a challenge. The causes of anxiety are endless, and I would go as far as to say that anxious waves are in fact an emotion felt by all of us at one stage or another. But no matter how common it may be, anxiety can still be a big pain in the ass when it comes knockin’.
I think I’ve always had anxiety to some degree. When I was younger it really manifested itself physically – showing up as fidgeting and an inability to sit still. I wouldn’t have recognised it as anxiety, but looking back I can now understand where it all stemmed from. Being sexually abused is something I’ve been very public about and that has been for a number of different reasons, but one of my motivators has been to let people know they’re not alone – that I too have laid awake at night with the same thoughts and overwhelming emotions. “I get it!” – three words that hold so much power.
While the abuse was taking place, I had mentally spilt my dance teacher and abuser into two different people. This coping mechanism is referred to as ‘splitting’ and it allowed me to continue on dancing with my team, as if nothing was happening. It is a lot to get your head around, and trust me, I’ve spent a long time deciphering it myself, but I now understand that as a young teenager it caused my mind to be constantly in overdrive, always going through mental processing well to advance for my little 14-year-old brain. I became incredibly anxious of Him, his behaviour and everything going on around me, an over-stimulation that created the waves to start flowing rapidly in my busy mind.
The last two years I’ve worked hard on me, diving into therapy, getting to know my own needs and just living a much more aware and conscious existence. During the police and court processes and in amongst the emotional rollercoaster that 2015/2016 brought with it, anxiety began to rule my life, stopping me from really living. Whilst having experienced anxiety for years, I had felt nothing even close to this. For well over a year, a herd of anxious butterflies sat firmly in the pit of my stomach, forever and uncontrollably swirling around and around. My nervous system was constantly revved up and the basics – sleeping, eating and even breathing normally became a daily struggle.
For me it became about putting one foot in front of the other, because I was incredibly determined to not let this thing win, to not let it continue to control and taunt me. I had survived the abuse, I had survived the prosecution process and I was going to survive the anxious aftermath that followed! Don’t mess with a woman driven by purpose, I tell ya.
People have asked me numerous times what I do to help with my anxiety and while I might add that it hasn’t disappeared completely, the little tips and tricks I’ve picked up along the way have helped me to settle it down to a much more manageable level. Now, I’m no expert and if anxiety is crippling you, then I do recommend talking to your doctor, or booking in to see a therapist – because both will be equipped to take care of your individual needs. But if you’re looking for small ways to offer some relief or simply help to settle one butterfly at a time…then keep on reading my friend.
These little things help create this notion of me time – something I’ve found to be incredibly important and fundamental for keeping me level. And hey, this me time stuff is not just for anxiety suffers, but anyone with a heart, mind and soul – so yes, I guess that means you too!
Being conscious of your needs and investing time in finding your calm will be so beneficial for keeping you balanced (And sane!). If we’re all out of whack, strung out from stress, busy being busy, constantly overstimulated, then when anxiety or in fact any unpleasant emotion comes banging on the door, you’ll be too exhausted to deal with it. Hello breakdown!
It’s about finding those little things that help YOU – everyone will be different and every action will sooth in different ways, but at the end of it all, this is about getting to know yourself.
So…grab a cuppa, put your feet up and get comfy – I’m about to impart my wonderous wisdom on you…. Or just ramble through a whole heap of self-lovin’ goodness, either way, I hope you pick up what I’m putting down.
In amongst anxious spells, panic attacks and paralysing lows, here is what I’ve soaked up and spat out along my road to taming the anxious beast.
A helping hand
If having a messy room makes you anxious, or maybe it’s a cluttered, unorganised bathroom draw. If you find you’re running around in the morning trying to find something to wear and then arriving at work all over the show, bubbling over with morning chaos, then let’s try to help ourselves.
It’s the little things – for me, I cannot sit down and write (Which acts as the biggest soother of all) if my room resembles the aftermath of a tornado. I’m a shocker for leaving clothes on the floor and before long the entire contents of my wardrobe and draws are sprawled to each corner of my bedroom. I know that this makes me anxious, I know that when I come home from work, the last thing I want to do is walk into my room, tripping over crap everywhere, therefore I make a conscious effort to pick my shit up. I chuck on some good tunes and dedicate 10 minutes to putting my clothes back where they belong. 10 minutes – that’s all it takes to ensure the next day I start my day off the right way, rather that scrambling to put an outfit together, unsure what is clean or dirty. These little things add up and they aid good vibes, ensuring we eliminate the niggly annoyances that can start the brewing of bigger storms. Ya feel?!
Expelling energy
If you find it hard to fall asleep at night and even harder to shut off that busy brain of yours, then like me, you need to expel some of that energy bouncing around inside of you. My therapist recommended that I tire myself out during the day, so when it comes to sleep-time it’ll be a much easier process. I have taken up running – hold the phone, you what now?!! I have double D boobs, bad knees, I’m not exactly a small girl and therefore me and running have never ever, ever been mates. Ever. It fucken killed me to begin with, sweat dripping down my forehead, feet throbbing, my lungs feeling like they’re on fire – but after practice it has almost become an enjoyable experience, almost. Getting all of that built up energy out in a healthy way, has done wonders for my sleep.
Yoga also works a treat, as most classes end with Shavasana, a meditation type practice that allows you to lie on the ground and zone out. If you do a 7pm class per say, by the time you get home, you’ll be ready for shower and bed!
Another tip is that, while I am not a morning person, I have been making myself get out of bed earlier, so that I’m sleepier earlier in the night. The ole night-owl in me starts yawning at about 8pm now, so I know that both carving the pavement and catching the early worm (or some shit) is working a treat. You know the story, sleep is so important; you are not yourself if you’re tired. Value sleep, make it a priority! You can tackle so much more on a full night’s sleep.
If you’re really struggling to switch off, try playing rain sound effects on YouTube, or reading – get off your phone before bed. My good friend has a no-screens-after-9 policy, so if I’m having a ‘can’t sleep’ moment, I follow that and it tends to help me find my off switch faster.
Find a type of exercise that you love, or can at least tolerate – use it to your advantage and flush out that anxiety before you settle in for bed – Go catch those Zzzzzzzz.
Shakti Mat goodness
If you haven’t heard of these – this is what I’m talking about:
Most of us hold a lot of emotional tension in our backs, shoulders and necks, plus if you work in an office, like me, you’ll be siting at a computer most of the day and that can take a toll on your upper body. It’s hard to sleep or to find a state of relaxation if your body is tight and filled with tension.
Anxiety has a tendency to present itself physically, as does stress. We walk around with tense shoulders, sleep with clenched jaws or due to heightened breathing, don’t get enough oxygen deep into our lungs.
A Shakti Mat is such a fantastic invention that works to get your blood circulating and is a fantastic example of generating some me time. It’s about the length of your back, starting at your neck and trailing down to the top of your bottom. It replicates a bed of nails and when you lie on it, it works its magic and helps to relieve tension in your back and shoulders. It is honestly amazing and I now find myself craving it. To begin with it is a little uncomfortable and it can take a bit to get used to, but I found within the first five minutes you’ve adjusted and you start to feel the sensations changing. Oooooo the goodness!
The great thing I find with having a session on my Shakti is that you can’t help but be completely present in the moment. You have to breathe through the first few moments until you start to feel comfortable and therefore naturally your focus is drawn towards your breath. I lie on it for 20-40 minutes, depending on how sore or tense I feel, and I repeat this at least three times a week. It aids sleep as well, so I’ll chuck on my salt lamp, hit play on my rain sound effects and hop on the mat right before bed – without fail I’ll start to relax and within 10 minutes of hopping off it, I’m alseep. It is pure bliss, trust me, you will not be disappointed.
Interested to know more?
Website – https://www.shaktimat.co.nz/
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(Thanks to: http://millieelderholmes.co.nz/mates-rates/ )
Learn your triggers
It all comes back to being conscious. Work out what sets you off, makes you anxious, makes you bat shit or turns you into Muhammad Ali ready to punch anyone that crosses your path. There are things that will create anxiety for you and the more you become aware of these things, the more you can put plans in place to avoid them. I’m not saying wrap yourself up in bubble-wrap and stay clear of everything, because that my friends is not living, however when you’re aware of what causes the waves to crash in, you can help to at least eliminate the notion of surprise. Anxious waves hitting you out of nowhere can be incredibly hard, but if know that, drinking for example, causes you to lose the plot, then you can ensure you have a break from that activity until you’re able to have a wine without wanting to move to a remote place in Northland and become a hippie. Just me?!
For me, salsa music was one of the things that made me incredibly anxious, so I stayed clear of it until I was able to listen to a full song comfortably. Now I can even dance to it again, so you will find that some triggers lessen with time.
Unfortunately anxiety can sometimes roll in and you aren’t able to pin point where it has come from or why it’s there – I’m not going to lie, those moments suck, but again if you’re conscious of it, you can then do what you need to do to help sooth it. Head outside for a walk, feel the fresh air on your face, get those bare feet out amongst nature, go for a run, do a Yoga class, mediate, Shakti – whatever works for you. I promise you, the more you become aware of your anxiety, the easier it is to manage.
Yoga and Meditation
Both of these practices have helped me so much. Both things take practice to really grasp, but they are an excellent tool to aid being present in the moment and honing into your breath. Anxiety can be fuelled by past emotions or future freak-outs and none of which are serving you right now– in fact they’re only taking away from the present moment. I am so guilty of sitting with emotions built up from challenging times in my past and always worried about what the future will bring, but both Yoga and Meditation help me to come back to the present.
It is so important, particularly if you’re a busy person, speeding through your day, or if you find that anxiety causes your heart to race and breathing to fasten, that you find a moment to come back to your breath. What I mean by that is finding some quite time, even if you can only manage 10 minutes, to stop and just breath. If you focus intently on your breathing, the moving in and out of your belly, everything starts to slow right down. You will find your calm again.
When I first started to meditate, I would over-think the whole thing, which really does defeat the purpose. I’d find it impossible to clear my mind and I’d think too much about my breathing, that it would end up getting all out of sync. My advice – keep trying and mix it up a little. Meditation is almost rule-less, there is no right or wrong way to do it. If you find looking at the ocean therapeutic, then go and sit yourself down by the sea and watch the waves rolling in and out. As long as you’re focusing on your breathing, you’ll find that eventually you’ll start to feel at ease. If you’re just starting out, try downloading a meditation app that guides you through a meditation (Calm or Headspace are goodies), or YouTube have a whole bunch too. Even if you’re sitting at your desk at work, try putting your hand on your belly and doing 10 big breaths in and out – every little bit helps and works to slow you right down.
Yoga has been such a great tool for me to become present and really be one with my body. You learn to focus on your movement, on your limbs, shoulders, neck, back, core and chest – all awareness focussing directly on your body. I have written a Blog about my experience with Yoga thus far, you can read it here.
It really has been a blessing and allowed me to become incredibly aware of how my body responds to certain things. If I stand with clenched fists or my shoulders are really tense, I can hone my attention now and relax that area. It takes practice and I still have mountains to learn with both of these practices, but I’m more excited than ever to keep learning, as I’ve truly felt the benefits.
Still with me??
Lets get one thing straight – We’re only human and we are going to fail, we are going to do things that might not necessarily help us at the time, but they might be all we can muster in that moment – this is normal. Don’t beat yourself up about it. You’re better off acknowledging the behaviour, becoming conscious about the fact that it didn’t serve you and promise to try better next time. An example, I had a bloody terrible day a few weeks back, a flood of new abuse memories came back into my mind, knocking me for six. Rather than getting out of bed and getting some fresh air, I stayed in bed all day, lying amongst negative and anxious crap. I knew in that moment that it wasn’t good for me to just stay in my room, but I did it anyway. I didn’t help myself and it took me until about 8pm to finally haul my ass out of bed, and wash away the day with a long, hot shower. I could’ve changed my mood if I had done what has proven to work for me, but old habits do have a way of sneaking in there. I didn’t dwell in the bad decisions, instead I was conscious of my behaviour, promised I’d try better next time and woke up the next morning ready to tackle a new day, equipped with a new attitude in tow.
I’m an optimist, but also part realist and I know that some days you simply aren’t going to be able to do much to settle the anxiety down. Some days are about riding it out, waiting for it to pass. You can walk, run, breathe and do anything and everything to try to help yourself and all will fall flat. These are called ‘bad days’ and we all have them. My advice when you’re experiencing a low is to remind yourself just how many you’ve survived and this one gate crashing your mood will be no different. Remind yourself that tomorrow is a new day, a new opportunity to find that positive again and start fresh. I’ve had my fair share of these in the past few years and they still have the ability to hit you straight in the face, but I promise you, you’ve so got this! Bad days are what help us grow and become better people, don’t ever forget that.
I’ve become a lot more conscious of my own needs, through a lot of trial and error, and some trigger-fueled moments, but I’ve learnt that by putting myself first, no matter how hard that can be at times, you start to see real progress. In order to be your best and feel your best, you need to invest energy in creating and practicing me time. Try one of the things above, or in all honesty, if all you can do today is shower, or pluck your neglected eyebrows, or maybe eat some veges, instead of the crap you’ve been loading in as of late, then well done you! Celebrate these little things, because they mean something. They mean you successfully put one foot in front of the other. I get it and with time you’ll notice that these things are done without effort or thought. The more healthier you feel (And healthy in all sense of the word), the more life just flows.
“The illustrations resemble DIY badges honoring achievements that require dedication, energy and resilience, even if they aren’t traditionally valued as such. One commemorates cooking and eating a nourishing meal, another changing the sheets or going outside. Such undertakings can seem simple, but for those dealing with illness, disability, depression, anxiety or fatigue, they can be revolutionary.” – This is a goodie for celebrating everyday achievements – http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/boring-self-care_us_5914dabae4b00f308cf40a19 #boringselfcare
I’ve come a long way in the past few years and I’m now at the managing phase. Just like a weight loss journey, you put in all the hard work, sweat and tears into losing the weight, then it becomes about managing it. If you’ve proudly lost 20kgs, you aren’t going to go back to eating crap and sitting on your ass, are you? You have a new lifestyle, a new way of looking at health and wellbeing. You now continue to put in the effort, daily, to maintain and hold on to your present moment.
You do you – And I mean that. If none of the things mentioned above resonate with you, then that is completely fine. I hope what you took away from this is that you need to find your thing, the thing that is therapeutic and brings ease into your life.
Me time is my happy place – I truly hope you find your own magic.
Namaste,
Bex
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